NHL Fan Handbook: Preparing for the Season
The NHL is already on the ice, working out hard, getting ready to start firing slapshots at Yo! Luongo in training camp, so I thought I’d prepare a handy TO DO list for hockey fans.
These are all things you need to take care of NOW, because the season is getting closer (34 Days and counting…)
Pre-Season Hockey Fan Handbook
1. MIHAP? Brush up on your Imglish. Chatting in the forums and on blog comments can be mystifying if you’re not prepared, and AAF MHBFY, ok? TLK2UL8R.
2. Give away all your books and get a new TV. Except for hockey books. Yes, I PROMISE I’ll have the VCOE catalogue of hockey books up very soon. (I swear! And it’ll be great!)
3. Rev up your hockey hatred. What’s hockey season without foul, soul-crushing, reality-obscuring hatred for opposing rivals? Need some ideas? Well, we all know the Avs and Wings are Pure Evil, but that’s old news. How about Montreal? Ritch has some brutal plans for Mike Ribeiro’s “package”.
4. Read the NHL Rulebook. Yeah, yeah, we’re all “experts” right? Not a chance. Even the NHL’s offices in Toronto end up causing 12 minute delays when doing a video review of a freaking goal. (Is it a goal? Isn’t it?)
Study the rulebook long enough, and you should be able to find evidence to support your bias, regardless of reality. Brush up on this information, hockey fans. It comes in handy all season.
5. Buy a new team jesey. Unless you’re a fan of this Predators one. (Don’t be paying for that.) And take a pass on those Wings/Avs abominations, too. But here’s a nice choice. (I also like this Wild jersey. I wish that weren’t true, but sadly it is. Fortunately, I still hate the team.)
6. Buy the PPV package for Canucks games. Every time you pay for an individual game, the Canucks owners (whomever they might be on any given week) get a little bit richer from your choice.
Or if you plan on watching the games away from home, start scouting restaurants/clubs/bars for PPV locations around the city featuring the cheapest pitchers of draft. Test them all for quality.
7. Apply for a 2nd mortgage on your house. Or set aside your student loan immediately. Don’t waste it on tuition, for godsakes — Buy game tickets to all the home games!
NOTE:
8 - 20. If you’ve got any other tips for getting ready for the season, feel free to add them. I’m sure there are many important things I’m forgetting.;-)
August 31st, 2006 at 2:29 pm
Here’s an obvious one — don’t forget to visit your favorite hockey blogs since the traditional media (at least in the states) gives hockey the same coverage as, oh, donkey poo.
August 31st, 2006 at 3:04 pm
Excellent point, Mike. So that’s #8. I should also add another one I forgot.
#9. If you haven’t already, be sure to memorize who now plays for what team. It could prove very embarassing if you make public observations during a game like “When did Chris Pronger leave Edmonton?” and “WHERE THE HELL has Tie Domi gone to?!”
August 31st, 2006 at 3:23 pm
I apologize for this shameless plug in advance, but it kinda fits well with this post…
Set up your free hockey pool at TheCommonFan.com and start trash talking your friends as soon as possible. We’re launching in less than 2 weeks, so keep an eye out (or sign up on our site to receive a reminder if you’re the forgetful type).
Cheers to beers!
August 31st, 2006 at 3:52 pm
Damn, Matt. Another general rule for sure:
#10. Join your hockey pools. And make sure you are anonymous! (Some of those trades look really stupid a couple months later…!)
August 31st, 2006 at 4:28 pm
Doesn’t look like ticketmaster has Canucks tickets yet… at least not for Oct 28th against the Caps, which is the one I’m really hoping to see.
the city featuring the cheapest pitchers of draft. Test them all for quality
You read my mind!
I’m not exactly thrilled about pay-per-view games, but you’ll never hear me whine about it like some do. Grab a couple of friends and head to Boston Pizza or something. Or get three or four buddies together and pitch in on the year-long PPV package. Beer is cheapest if you buy it from the liquor store in advance!
I’ve got a new jersey in transit… pictures coming soon….
and finally,
#11 could be “Remove all those family portraits off your mantle and replace with hockey cards. Why look at your mother-in-law when you can have Roberto Luongo staring back at you!”
August 31st, 2006 at 7:09 pm
You remove your hockey crap off the mantle in the summer? That’s awfully organized of you.
I have my Canucks flag flying off the top of a book case in the dining room all year round. It looks ridiculous but I’m not removing it ever.
September 1st, 2006 at 3:10 am
#12: Give up.
September 1st, 2006 at 6:04 am
#38: Worship The Pavol
and give thanks to all that he has given to the NHL.
Amen.
September 1st, 2006 at 6:42 am
If you live in Ontario, buy the Rogers sports package, it’s probably cheaper than what people in BC have to shell out for the PPV package. 100$ for 4 months, 199$ for 8 months. Watch or tivo the Canucks games.
September 1st, 2006 at 10:48 am
I got one:
#39: Prepare for the worst.
Last season, hardcore hockey fans were so excited to have their game back that they were wholly unprepared for the contigency that their favorite team might suck.
As a Bruins fan, who was told by stingy B’s management year after year, “wait for the new economic landscape, and the Bruins will be set” I got hit hard last year. Modano and Forsberg didn’t sign, Zhamnov, Leetch and Isbister were non-factors, Raycroft pulled a Jim Carrey, and Big Joe got the blame, a ticket out of town, and eventually the Hart Trophy in San Jose.
Last season sucked.
I mean, not “locked out” sucked, but sucked.
I suspect that Penguins and Canucks fans had a similar experience last season, in terms of dashed expectations.
So prepare yourselves, whoever you are.
It could happen.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I live in the United States, and have to go update my vastly more popular “donkey poo” blog.
September 1st, 2006 at 11:18 am
Geez, Ritch. Some of us are Canucks fans — our WHOLE LIVES are about “preparing for the worst”! Nonetheless, it’s good advice for fans of more fortunate teams. (Colorado?)
There really can’t be enough “donkey poo” blogs on the internet. Good luck with that.
September 1st, 2006 at 12:40 pm
So what’s wrong with that Predators’ jersey? Well, other than the fact that it looks like a giant mustard stain on computer and TV screens? It actually looks decent in person. This is probably a bad time to mention that my wife tells me that I can’t tell pink from peach or that I liked the old Coyote’s logo…
September 1st, 2006 at 5:10 pm
#62B Remember to drop the “Mighty” when referring to the Anaheim Ducks. Ironic that they are likely mightier now than when it was part of their name.
#63 When the ‘Nucks are on PPV remember to dial up 1040 not 980 to hear the action.
September 1st, 2006 at 8:58 pm
I’m already having a hard time with #62B. If I’m talking about them, it goes something like, “Anaheim *pause* Ducks.”
September 1st, 2006 at 9:34 pm
Jaci – At least you’re doing the *pause*. I’m shooting off “Anaheim Mighty Ducks!” then backtracking my screw-up. Not as clever as your approach. (I shoot off my mouth far too quickly.)
Terry — Maybe ironic, but since Brian Burke is there now, I, for one, hope he has a great season and that there is some way the Canucks owners suffer for firing him. (note: as long as that doesn’t mean the Canucks miss the playoffs while the Ducks make them. I wouldn’t survive that shit.)
Bryant – Now I’m assuming that your wife buys your clothes. I think that’s for the best.
September 2nd, 2006 at 6:54 am
Anyone who tries to take my books away will get a tonsilectomy with salad tongs…and not through the mouth, either. NO ONE DIMINISHES MY LIBRARY!
But getting more books rocks! I think the books I’ve read outnumber the books I haven’t yet, so time to visit the bookstore! Whoo-hoo!
And somewhere in the list should be learn how to a)prounounce the names of players from Europe (at least close), and b) learn enough of the geography so you don’t confuse Sweden and Finland, or Russia and Latvia, or Slovakia and the Czech Republic (and don’t be surprised if players are listed as being born in countries that no longer exist. These are the joys of modern day history).
September 2nd, 2006 at 10:52 am
Ok. We’ll leave your books alone, Baroque. And excellent advice for #62C — learn to pronounce your team’s newest European names. Those tightly grouped consonants can be a challenge…